One of the myths about marriage is that marriage will make you happy. That's not true. Marriage alone cannot bring you happiness.
A Happy Marriage Comes From Within
Your happiness both as an individual and as a married partner must come from within yourself. Being married can add to your happiness, but it is not and can not be the primary source of your happiness.
"... getting married is not necessarily the key to achieving eternal bliss. Most people were no more satisfied with life after marriage than they were prior to marriage in a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology." Source: Anne Becker. "Marriage Is Not the Key to Happiness." PsychologyToday.com. 3/18/2003.
A Few Strategies for Creating a Happier You and a Happy Marriage
Each evening, share with one another three happy things that you noticed during the day. Talk about why these moments of happiness occurred.
Both of you write down how you want to be remembered. Talk with your spouse about how the way you are living your lives helps or takes away from what's important to you both.
Make a list of things that make you happy such as a sunny day, a hot bath, a child's laugh. Create ways to include these happy times in your life more often.
Do a random act of kindness not only for a stranger each day, but also for one another. Don't talk about these acts of kindness with one another. They are for your own personal self-esteem and growth.
The institution of marriage has undergone great stresses in the Western society. High divorce rate and the trend of living together has resulted in broken families and troubled children. The human society developed and refined the institution of marriage over a long period of time. Although scientific achievements have provided the World with all kinds of amenities, the human beings have not changed at a basic level. The human instincts such as joy, jealousy, love, hate, fear, pride and prejudice have not changed over the millenniums. The people still need stable family environments and friends to share life experiences. Being a first generation immigrant, I am always amazed when I read about the divorce rate in the USA. Looking within the South Asian community here, I find the divorce rate negligible. This diametrically opposite situation has prompted me to analyze the roots of a successful marriage. These statistics have led me to believe that unsuccessful marriage is a unique American phenomenon. This problem has started to manifest in the second generation of immigrants who are born and brought up in this country. Since this causes a major disruption in the lives of children who are the future custodians of this great nation, it is worthwhile to study the factors that contribute to a stable family and marriage. The successful marriages require support systems, common values, and shared aspirations in addition to love and mutual understanding. These aspects are discussed in detail in this article.
Cultural Uniformity General observation shows that the couples in a successful marriage belong to a similar cultural group. By cultural group in American context refers to refers to Italian, Cuban, Mexican and Irish American groups. The other groups include Chinese, West European and Hispanic American. The culture is a broad term that includes language, music and literature among other things. These divisions may not mean much to European immigrants but they are in fact considered important in India and Pakistan. A cursory look at ethnic newspapers reveals that people or parents are looking within the same group for marriage relationship. The first generation immigrants generally marry within their cultural background and most of them have stable marriages. It is not suggested here that people should only marry within their own ethnic group. The successful marriages between people of diverse backgrounds require broad vision, maturity and freedom from all kinds of prejudices. As the marriages between diverse cultural groups have started to occur in the second generation of immigrants, so have the divorce rates started to approach American norms. In the USA, marriages are intermixed among people from European origins. There are no considerations for family or cultural background. The differences start to manifest soon after the honeymoon. A better communication between people of similar background could be the reason for fewer instances of misunderstanding. The people of similar cultural background instinctively understand the likes and dislikes of their partners. For example, some people love dogs or other pets because they always had a dog or cat in their homes while growing up. There are other people who consider dogs and cats as a nuisance that must be avoided at all costs. Some people like to congregate in-groups while others are brought up alone in a calm and quiet home. The differences are obvious if a person goes from England or Sweden to any place close to the Mediterranean Sea. Role of Religion It has been observed that religious people have successful marriages. This refers to both partners. If one of partner is religious and other does not share same ideas, it becomes a difficult relationship. The immigrants are more religious than their counterparts in the native country. The people back home in India, Pakistan and Mid East believe that if a person lives in America then he or she must be modern and liberal in outlook. A lot of marriages fail because of this particular misconception. The humanity in various parts of the World developed marriage as an institution and religion sanctified the relationship. The religion provides a code of ethics and standards of behavior that need to be followed. For example, the religious edict saying, " Thou shall not commit adultery" lays the foundation of relationship in marriage for both partners. This factor alone can reduce strain in a relationship as it gives certain level of assurance of commitment to the marriage.
Recognition of mistakes It is never easy to accept and own the mistakes and saying sorry. The ego gets hurt and people tend to think that after saying sorry the other partner will gain an upper hand. Just by simply acknowledging the error or a mistake can resolve fifty percent of the conflicts. Most of the people who have a stable and successful marriage are very up-front in their relationship and never hesitate to say sorry. On the contrary, small misunderstandings can resultin irreconcilable differences. The common response is to find equal and similar fault in the partner and reminding that he or she is even a bigger culprit. The preeminent reason in many of such instances is that both partners are not giving up any ground and differences continue to grow. This approach if avoided can result in a harmonious relationship. Forgiving and accepting apology leads to better understanding.
Economic Conditions Better economic conditions do not mean that only rich people can have a stable marriage. The people should spend only what they can afford. This is one of the major causes of strain in marriages at all income levels. Some people at a lower income level have much better marriages as compared to the rich and wealthy people. The key is to keep the expenses within limits for both partners. In the USA, the temptations are unlimited. Everyday, people are targeted with advertisements for new cars, better gadgets, and idyllic vacations. The message comes across as if all these things do not cost anything. There are promises of no payment for a number of months. The human beings are psyched up to buy the things that do not need and vacation that they can not afford. After few weeks of bliss, the reality dawns when the payments have to be made and there is hardly any money available for essentials needs. At this point in time the blame game starts. In Europe and Asia, people buy the merchandize whenever there is a need. In the USA, the need is created. There are countless examples. A simple one that comes to mind is the cellular phone. Some people need wireless communication for business or personal reasons. However, the marketing of wireless equipment make us believe that nobody can live in the next millennium without it. All of these small things add up. A large segment of population can not afford all of these modern inventions. The inevitable result is the strain on all relationships. The misunderstanding reaches the peak when the primary bread -winner in the family loses the job. On the other hand, the cost of food, clothing and housing is much cheaper in the USA as compared to Western Europe, Middle East and Asia. The people can live comfortably by controlling expenses and by staying married.
Support System The availability of a support system is a great contributor to stable marriages. The support system is a network of friends and relatives that can be relied upon in case of any misunderstanding. Both partners can discuss the problem with their respective friends. By discussing the problem alone can put it in a proper perspective. In North America, there is a great emphasis on individual growth and independence. This factor alone prohibits sharing of concerns and aspirations with friends. In the Eastern society, the extended family and friends provide a network that keeps marriages on track. The lack of this support system has started to manifest in the second generation of immigrants. The Americans can at least go to a psychiatrist to identify the problems. The immigrants lose the support system that was readily available in home country. They also abhor to seek in any kind of psychological help and thus face a double jeopardy. I have personally known a number of marriages in stress in the USA, while similar relationship would have been very cordial in their own country. The solution is to develop a new network and also keep the old network alive by communication. The revolution in communication has brought the whole World very close. Now it has become possible to reach out to anyone at anytime. In the USA, one can find all ethnic groups from all over the World. The social and cultural links can now be very easily maintained. I have seen Korean, Indian, Chinese and Pakistani communities all across America. It is now possible to develop a network of friends within one own community who can understand the background of problems. In South Asian communities, parents, brothers and sisters play a powerful role. If the parents listen to only one side of the story, then the marriage is doomed. On the other hand if they understand and appreciate the situation of other partner, then the marriage is strengthened. I have seen parents listening only to version of their own kids. It is very difficult to accept that their own kids could be wrong because it reflects their own failure. The key for the parents is to listen to both sides before placing the blame.
American Work Environments The working environments in the USA are very dynamic as compared to any country in the World. The non- stop restructuring, new technologies have a great impact on the society. In order to keep up with the changes, people have to move in search of jobs. The neighborhoods get transformed in a matter of years. Sometimes it seems as if all America in on the move. When the people move, they get away from friends, relatives and familiar environments. The American born people are perhaps used to this kind of life. Most of the Americans quickly get settled in new environments, make new friends and never look back. However, people from the East come from very stable family systems. The movement from one place to another uproots people and kids never develop lasting friendships. These relationships are a stabilizing factor in marriage. Whenever, there is a disagreement between the spouses, these are the people who can patch up the differences. The big dilemma is now how to reconcile the demands of career with the needs of a stable marriage. A simple advice for people on the move is to develop new friendships and also maintain old relationships. It has become very easy with the emerging technologies of Internet and communications. Developing new friends can be easily done. In a new place, telephone directory research to look for places of worship and familiar surnames can be very helpful. Our experience shows that even random calling can result in finding very helpful people from any Asian or Mid Eastern countries.
Conclusion In spite of great social upheaval in social norms during the past century, I find the institution of marriage still very strong. In the USA, people can live together without marriage and have children. The people in USA do not question the private life styles of other people. However, it is a surprise to see young Hollywood stars getting married who are supposed to be in the forefront of new liberal style. A large number of people get married again after bitter divorce. This indicates that there is something in the human psyche that propels people towards making a commitment to marriage. This fact was recognized long time ago and gradually the institution of marriage evolved over centuries. The challenge for our times is to keep the marriage intact. I believe it can be done and most of the marriages can be successful. The institution of marriage is a foundation for a stable society. We owe it to our future generation to provide them a carefree childhood with pleasant memories.
In Ancient Rome, people didn't marry because they were in love. Folks married to carry on the family bloodline and for economical or political reasons. Women were under the jurisdiction of their fathers, so young girls were often married off when they were between the ages of twelve and fourteen. Some young men married at the age of fourteen also. During the Middle Ages, the practice of youthful marriages continued and women married as early as fourteen. Men generally waited until they were more established in life which was usually when they were in their twenties or early thirties. In 1371, due to the plague, the average age at marriage for men was 24, and for women it was 16. By 1427, the average male of all classes did not wed til he was in his mid-30s, usually choosing a bride about half his age. Rich girls seemed to marry at a younger age than poor girls.
It is obvious from a historical perspective that marriages of teenagers (at least teenage girls) were quite common. However, that trend has changed in most countries of the world. Today, young love is neither encouraged or readily accepted by society.
Why are so many people against teen marriage? Because it is believed that more than 1/2 who marry in their teens will be divorced within 15 years. That is a pretty sobering statistic.
Additionally, according to the Center for Law and Social Policy, "Compared to girls who marry later, teenage brides have less schooling, less independence,and less experience of life and work." Teen brides are also at more risk for being abused and living at poverty levels.
There is another side to the story of teen marriage, though. That is the number of success stories that married teens share. For the record, Sheri was 19 when we married. Not all teen marriages end up as a another divorce statistic.Ask yourselves why you want to get married. If your reasons include wanting to get away from your parents, pregnancy, or fear of losing one another, don't get married. All of these reasons are red flags in your relationship and are not valid reasons for getting married. Marriage should be a "want to" and not a "have to". Being on your own does free you from parental control, but this change in lifestyle brings along a whole new set of responsibilities in your lives. You will have to deal with financial issues, where to live, jobs, grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, decision making, in-laws, continuing your education, and if pregnant, child care along with learning how to communicate with your spouse.
If you've checked out the marriage license laws in your locale, have the permission of your parents to marry, and have decided that you don't want to wait any longer before getting married, there's still a couple things you should do before tying the knot.
Attend a premarital education class or an Engaged Encounter weekend.
Work out together a realistic budget.
Volunteer together to work with young kids at a homeless shelter for a few months. Or volunteer your time at a soup kitchen facility.
This website, http://www.familydynamics.net, has a lot of interesting articles and I thought it was great to have a professional stance on what a good marriage needs to contain.
There are 5 components of good communication: 1. Good Communication in marriage is respectful: avoiding sarcasm, judgmental statement and accusations, and putdowns are all ways of showing disprespect. Listening and showing respect allows communication to be much more effective. 2. Good Communication in marriage is quantitative: finding more time to have deep conversation through all the hectic schedules is very important. Finding time to talk while taking a walk, dinner time, and driving in the car together are all ways to find little time to talk. 3. Good Communication in a marriage is a two-way street: not only respectful talking is important, but respectful listening is also very important. This shows that each side has a respect for each other and are willing to try and solve problems. 4. Good Communication in marriage probes for more insight: allowing your spouse to know that you don't understand what they are saying is common, that is why asking questions is important. Asking in a respectful way and having them repeat or state their concerns differently. 5. Good Communication in marriage is honest: this shows that each spouse refuses to avoid telling their spouse anything. They trust eachother in what they are saying. Lying also tends to come up down the road which puts strain on the relationship.
"Why I Care" These are very basic communication skills that every couple should consider. It is simply changing they way we say things that lets our spouse know we respect them and we care about the marriage. Communication is really the base of everything because it covers all aspects of life.
This article is from Dec. 1, 2009 and the tips are targeted towards businessmen and tips for them and their wives, but I found that these tips had could be useful to anyone by just applying your profession to it.
1. YOU ARE NOT THE BOSS AT HOME. At work, you're accustomed to running things and to being in charge. But when you walk through the front door of your house (or emerge from your home office), you emigrate from an autocracy into a messy democracy, with all its attendant chaos, conflict, and need for compromise. Your spouse should understand that this transition is not always quick or easy and that she must be patient while you adjust. But there's an upside. Though it's true that at home you can't command by fiat, you can relax in the knowledge that there, at least, someone is sharing the load. 2. SET THE BAR LOW, BUT SET IT SOMEWHERE. It's difficult for spouses to make time for each other, much less take that desperately needed vacation. This challenge is here to stay: No matter what stage the business is in, it will require your all. But a vacation can be a cup of coffee together or a short walk around the block. Sometimes that's all you'll be able to manage. Any couple needs uninterrupted time -- even if it's incremental -- to share those grace notes and headaches that make up lives. Being together reminds you that you enjoy being together. And that reminds both of you why this enormous undertaking is worthwhile. 3. PLEASE, TURN OFF THE BLACKBERRY. OK, you can leave it to buzz and bleep sometimes, or even most of the time. But be disciplined about carving out stretches that are technology free. Even if you don't respond to its whining, its mere presence on the dining room table, at the restaurant, or by the bed changes the nature of your shared space. Plus, it will be easier to pry the kids loose from their cell phones and video games if you can show that it's possible to resist technology's allure. In any case, your BlackBerry looks great in black leather. Slide her into that holster, and everyone will be happier. 4. WHEN A BIG BUSINESS DECISION LOOMS, GIVE YOUR SPOUSE A SEAT AT THE TABLE. Certain business decisions will affect your mate, too. Acquiring another company, launching an IPO, or expanding into other states or countries will require more travel, which increases the pressure on everyone at home. Thinking about signing a business loan using the house as collateral? Hello -- your spouse lives there, too! You can also consult her about business issues that don't affect the family. You've made smart decisions about your home life by combining perspectives; your mate may provide a fresh approach to work dilemmas, too. And unlike employees who might be nervous about disagreeing with the boss, you can usually trust her to be completely honest. 5. ENTER YOUR SPOUSE'S UNIVERSE FROM TIME TO TIME. In many ways, you are fused with your business: Your very identity is bound to and dependent upon its fate. You have invested endless energy, time, imagination, and willpower in its success. Much of your conversation revolves around its ups and downs. Though your mate intersects with and cares deeply about the business, it does not contain or define her in the same way it does you. She spends her day in other worlds, consumed by other matters. Talk to her about them. Better yet, join her at a conference, read her student's paper, play audience while she rehearses a presentation, weigh in on the tile grout color, drive your child to the dental appointment. You'll understand each other better. 6. MAKE HER COMMUNICATIONS A PRIORITY. Your spouse knows you are busy and that you receive scores if not hundreds of messages a day. She wouldn't contact you at work unless it was important. (When I call Gary at the office, he knows I'm not phoning to see how the yogurt is coming out today.) Your spouse is busy, too, and can likewise be tough to reach. You will both feel more relaxed if it's easier to get in touch, and if you know that each other's missives will move to the top of the queue. 7. DON'T SQUEEZE HER IN. Emergencies or changes of plan aside, don't try to chat with your spouse from the airport. She likely feels frustrated when the conversation is drowned out by loudspeaker warnings not to accept packages from strangers or cut short because your row is called to board. Likewise, she's probably not keen on getting a phone call five minutes before your next meeting starts. Much as she misses you during your travels, it's no fun conversing when she's braced to hear her least favorite three words: "I gotta go." 8. TREAT YOUR SPOUSE LIKE SHE'S YOUR MOST IMPORTANT CLIENT. You win clients and customers by courting them, by offering not simple attention but true attentiveness. You are solicitous, observant, mindful, and aware -- eager to anticipate and fulfill their needs. Your spouse is your No. 1 life client and most important connection. Court her -- with a thoughtful gift, a just-because hug, morning coffee in bed -- as though you really want to keep her business, too. 9. ACKNOWLEDGE HER ROLE. Often, the entrepreneur lives in the spotlight, while the spouse works behind the scenes. But the spouse plays an important role in the success of any venture. By keeping the domestic machine well oiled, she allows you to enjoy family life while reserving most of your energy for the business. She has saved you money by working inside the company and made the family money by working outside of it. She's proud of your business but also of the contribution she's made to the life you are building. So, go on, crow about her! To employees, co-workers, suppliers, family, friends. Post an accolade on the website! You're the boss -- name a product after her! (Note to Gary: Yo My Baby? Apricot Meggo? Get the marketing department on it.) Most important: Tell her directly that you value her contribution. Some things go without saying…but not that. 10. TAKE FREQUENT INVENTORY. Spend time remembering all you've created together, all you've managed to survive. Maintaining a marriage through years of strain, sacrifice, and uncertainty requires both grace and grit. You have so many wonderful, horrible, heartbreaking, and hilarious stories -- about the company, about the kids, about the rich history you share. To paraphrase Neil Young, you've had your ups and downs, but you're still playing together. The music might not always be in tune, but take a moment to rejoice that you're still making it.
"Why I Care" Even though our careers can define a lot of us, it should not have a negative influence on our marriages. We can use useful steps that we may learn and apply them to help make our marriage stronger. Marriage is its own job and it needs work just like anything else but unless one can apply things we learn from careers in a positive way, it should not overtake anything.
Kendra Buchanan
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
The most recent U.S. Census figures confirm what most everyone already knows — divorce rates, indeed, are on the rise.
With nearly half of all marriages ending in divorce, many couples are starting to re-evaluate their relationships.
But before you start any heady analysis, it's important to know the facts from the myths when it comes to marriage:
Marriage Myth 1: Marriage benefits men much more than women.
Fact: Contrary to earlier and widely publicized reports, recent research finds men and women to benefit about equally from marriage, although in different ways. Both men and women live longer, happier, healthier and wealthier lives when they are married. Husbands typically gain greater health benefits, while wives gain greater financial advantages.
Marriage Myth 2: Having children typically brings a married couple closer together and increases marital happiness.
Fact: Many studies have shown that the arrival of the first baby commonly has the effect of pushing the mother and father farther apart, and bringing stress to the marriage. However, couples with children have a slightly lower rate of divorce than childless couples.
Marriage Myth 3: The keys to long-term marital success are good luck and romantic love.
Fact: Rather than luck and love, the most common reasons couples give for their long-term marital success are commitment and companionship. They define their marriage as a creation that has taken hard work, dedication and commitment (to each other and to the institution of marriage). The happiest couples are friends who share lives and are compatible in interests and values.
Marriage Myth 4: The more educated a woman becomes, the lower are her chances of getting married.
Fact: A recent study based on marriage rates in the mid-1990s concluded that today's women college graduates are more likely to marry than their non-college peers, despite their older age at first marriage. This is a change from the past, when women with more education were less likely to marry.
Marriage Myth 5: Couples who live together before marriage, and are thus able to test how well suited they are for each other, have more satisfying and longer-lasting marriages than couples who do not.
Fact: Many studies have found that those who live together before marriage have less satisfying marriages and a considerably higher chance of eventually breaking up. One reason is that people who cohabit may be more skittish of commitment and more likely to call it quits when problems arise. But in addition, the very act of living together may lead to attitudes that make happy marriages more difficult. The findings of one recent study, for example, suggest "there may be less motivation for cohabiting partners to develop their conflict resolution and support skills." (One important exception: Cohabiting couples who are already planning to marry each other in the near future have just as good a chance at staying together as couples who don't live together before marriage).
Marriage Myth 6: People can't be expected to stay in a marriage for a lifetime as they did in the past because we live so much longer today.
Fact: Unless our comparison goes back a hundred years, there is no basis for this belief. The enormous increase in longevity is due mainly to a steep reduction in infant mortality. And while adults today can expect to live a little longer than their grandparents, they also marry at a later age. The life span of a typical, divorce-free marriage, therefore, has not changed much in the past 50 years. Also, many couples call it quits long before they get to a significant anniversary: Half of all divorces take place by the seventh year of a marriage.
Marriage Myth 7: Marrying puts a woman at greater risk of domestic violence than if she remains single.
Fact: Contrary to the proposition that for men "a marriage license is a hitting license," a large body of research shows that being unmarried — and especially living with a man outside of marriage — is associated with a considerably higher risk of domestic violence for women. One reason for this finding is that married women may significantly underreport domestic violence. Further, women are less likely to marry and more likely to divorce a man who is violent. Yet it is probably also the case that married men are less likely to commit domestic violence because they are more invested in their wives' well-being, and more integrated into the extended family and community. These social forces seem to help check men's violent behavior.
Marriage Myth 8: Married people have less satisfying sex lives, and less sex, than single people.
Fact: According to a large-scale national study, married people have both more and better sex than do their unmarried counterparts. Not only do they have sex more often but they enjoy it more, both physically and emotionally.
Marriage Myth 9: Cohabitation is just like marriage, but without "the piece of paper."
Fact: Cohabitation typically does not bring the benefits — in physical health, wealth and emotional wellbeing — that marriage does. In terms of these benefits, cohabitants in the United States more closely resemble singles than married couples. This is due, in part, to the fact that cohabitants tend not to be as committed as married couples, and they are more oriented toward their own personal autonomy and less to the well-being of their partner.
Marriage Myth 10: Because of the high divorce rate, which weeds out the unhappy marriages, people who stay married have happier marriages than people did in the past when everyone stuck it out, no matter how bad the marriage.
Fact: According to what people have reported in several large national surveys, the general level of happiness in marriages has not increased and probably has declined slightly. Some studies have found in recent marriages, compared to those of 20 or 30 years ago, significantly more work-related stress, more marital conflict and less marital interaction.
Copyright 2002 by David Popenoe, the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, New Brunswick, N.J.
Wait for sex and marriage? Evangelicals conflicted
August 9th, 2009 @ 4:09pm
By ERIC GORSKI
AP Religion Writer
(AP) - When Margie and Stephen Zumbrun were battling the urge to have premarital sex, a pastor counseled them to control themselves. The couple signed a purity covenant.
Then, when the two got engaged and Margie went wedding dress shopping, a salesperson called her "the bride who looks like she's 12." Nonchurch friends said that, at 22, she was rushing things.
The agonizing message to a young Christian couple in love: Sex can wait, but so can marriage.
"It's unreasonable to say, 'Don't do anything ... and wait until you have degrees and you're in your 30s to get married,'" said Margie Zumbrun, who did wait for sex, and married Stephen fresh out of Purdue University. "I think that's just inviting people to have sex and feel like they're bad people for doing it."
Against that backdrop, a number of evangelicals are promoting marrying earlier, nudging young adults toward the altar even as many of their peers and parents are holding them back.
Couples like the Zumbruns are caught between two powerful forces _ evangelical Christianity's abstinence culture, with its chastity balls and virginity pledges, and societal forces pushing average marriage ages deeper into the 20s.
The call for young marriage raises questions: How young is too young? What if marriage is viewed as a ticket to guilt-free sex? What about the fact that marrying young is the No. 1 predictor of divorce?
The conversation is spreading from what pastors say is a relatively small number of churches and ministries that promote early marriage to the broader evangelical community, with the latest development being a Christianity Today magazine cover story this month titled "The Case for Young Marriage."
The article's author, University of Texas sociologist Mark Regnerus, argues that evangelicals "have made much ado about sex" but are damaging the institution of marriage by discouraging and delaying it.
Regnerus is not saying that premarital sex is OK. But he does suggest that abstinence has its limits, and that intensifying the message won't work. When people wait until their mid- to late 20s to marry, he writes, it's unrealistic and "battling our creator's reproductive designs" to expect them to wait that long for sex.
Statistics show that few Americans wait. More than 93 percent of adults 18 to 23 who are in romantic relationships are having sex, according to the National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. For conservative Protestants in relationships and active in their faith, it's almost 80 percent.
Regnerus, a conservative Presbyterian, knocks the "abstinence industry" for perpetuating "a blissful myth" that great sex awaits just beyond the wedding reception. He advises against teen marriage, but argues that early 20s marriages are not as risky as advertised.
"I'll probably get framed as I want people to marry because I don't want them to have premarital sex," said Regnerus, author of "Forbidden Fruit: Sex and Religion in the Lives of American Teenagers."
"I think marriage is just a fantastic institution for people who think rightly about it, have realistic ideas about it and put the requisite work into it."
The median age for first marriages in the U.S. is about 26 for women and 28 for men, the highest figures since the Census Bureau began counting. Solid data on evangelicals is not readily available, but research suggests they marry only slightly younger, Regnerus said.
High-school sweethearts Megan and Jay Mkrtschjan planned to marry at 20. But the suburban Chicago couple waited an extra year to finish college under pressure from Megan's parents.
There were few doubts in their minds about marrying young. They had found each other. Why wait?
"For me, it was really a trust issue," Megan said. "Marrying right out of college was showing our friends, showing the people we were acquainted with, that we trusted our lives with God."
For Jay, a songwriter and guitarist, "the sex issue" was the best argument for early marriage. "By getting married young and dating for a shorter period of time, it leaves less room to sin sexually," he said.
Now four years married, the Mkrtschjans say their relative youth helped them through early trials, which at one point took them down to $26 in the checking account.
"We were going through these hardships together," said Megan, a fifth-grade teacher who owns a cake-decorating business. "It made things easier because we weren't stuck in our ways. We were open to what each other had to say."
Many young adults today view their 20s as a time for fun, travel, career-building or finding themselves _ not for settling down.
Among evangelicals, there's a tendency to wait because many believe God "is going to deliver me a spouse right to my door," so they don't actively seek one, said Glenn Stanton, director of family formation studies for the evangelical ministry Focus on the Family, a young marriage promoter.
Then there's what Stanton calls the "eHarmony philosophy" _ the belief God will deliver someone perfect.
Stanton doesn't blame the abstinence movement. "I don't think that it's so much to much focus on abstinence, but the silence on marriage makes the abstinence message sound so much louder," he said.
At Capitol Hill Baptist Church in Washington, D.C., associate pastor Michael Lawrence emphasizes that marriage is a covenant, not a convenient arrangement, and offers advice to young couples on overcoming arguments over money, sex and family.
"We probably haven't served our young people well by on the one hand emphasizing abstinence, but on the other hand telling them to wait to get married," Lawrence said. "It seems to be setting them up to fail."
Like most proponents of young marriage, Lawrence does not set an arbitrary "right" age for marriage. Waiting until after college might be advisable if the alternative is crushing debt or dropping out, he said.
Supporters of abstinence programs promote them as both marriage-preparation tools and longer-term support systems for those who don't marry.
Jimmy Hester, co-founder of True Love Waits, part of the Southern Baptist Convention's LifeWay Christian Resources, disagreed with the argument that abstinence past a certain age is too much to ask.
"There are too many examples of people who have done it," he said. "And not out of their own strength, even, but out of a relationship with God who gives them strength."
Johns Hopkins University sociologist Andrew Cherlin, who studies families and public policy, said young marriage is a tough sell. A half-century ago, when people married earlier, fewer people attended college, high school graduates could get good-paying factory jobs, women became mothers right after school and families were larger, he said.
"Most evangelicals, as well as most Americans, realize how expensive it is to raise children these days," Cherlin said. "The most important rationale for early marriage _ having a larger family _ has disappeared."
Some single evangelical women want to marry young, but the numbers are against them: single women outnumber single men in churches 3 to 2, and the available men are postponing growing up, Regnerus and others say.
Skeptics, meanwhile, suspect early marriage backers want to turn back the clock on gender roles.
"There is some rolling of the eyes, especially among women ... 'Why are you giving up your 20s and going back to the 1950s and June Cleaver?'" said Jay Thomas, college pastor at College Church in Wheaton, Ill.
Other evangelicals simply want to wait and cite their faith as motivation. Valerie Strattan, 24, of Chicago, has a serious boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. She believes that for now, God has called them to focus on separate pursuits: he's a musician, she works in refugee resettlement.
"We don't feel the rush to marry," Strattan said. "If I am listening to God, and he is listening to God, then God isn't going to lead us in separate places if he does truly want us to get married."
(Copyright 2009 The Associated Press. All rights reserved. This material may not be published, broadcast, rewritten or redistributed.)
It was interesting for me to read what people a part of religions different from my own have to say about early marriage. Marrying young sets the LDS church apart from the trends of the rest of the nation, as the average age for first marriages is getting older then it has ever been. It was interesting to see people from other religions leaning towards marrying young as well. I think that sex is the biggest reason that people in the LDS church get married so young. If you’re already having sex before marriage and possibly living together then of course there’s no rush to get married. But for people who want to wait until they’re married to have sex getting married sooner is the option they usually choose.
I also thought it was interesting that one reason in favor of early marriage that was cited in this article was that when you’re young you’re not stuck in your ways. Then when conflict comes along you’re more flexible and open minded to change. I wonder if that’s really true.
Does anyone know if marrying young really is the number one cause of divorce like this article claims?
